I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
