the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize