What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
