i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
