Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
