im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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