You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How does one acquire holy water?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
