and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
