Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
