WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
