We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
