I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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