Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
