I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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