When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize