Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
