boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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