Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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