porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
