Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
