I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wish I could teleport
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
