Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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