The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
