The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
