I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
