I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
