take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
