just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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