Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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