I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
