i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
