A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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