yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
