At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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