I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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