Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
