hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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