I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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