Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
