there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
