Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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