I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize