I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
