she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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