i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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