I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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