Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You are a genius and a whore.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
