so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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