I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
