I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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