I never want to see another naked old woman again.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
