Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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