Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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