HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
