just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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