This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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